Saturday, January 28, 2012


BRAVO... SKY...BRAVO! At long last... Finally, a magazine that understands it's demographic. Not only did you get me, but you embraced me with the complete package of fashion, travel, celebrity and food. I stared wantingly at the cover, and after closing the last page feeling sated and spent...I finally felt loved, seduced by the sweet, warm, and yet torrid embrace of SKY Magazine. I knew then, there could never be another magazine for me....and yet you weren't to be. I was a kept man who could never have that perfect someone.....but at least finally, FINALLY, someone understood what it be in coach.

I knew this just by looking at the cover of your November edition. Seeing Sarah Jessica Parker's face, let me know this was going to be something special. I mean really, it doesn't get much more bourgeoisie and common then that. If anybody knows common it's this connoisseur of the over iced three ounce diet coke in a plastic cup, and one ounce portion of pretzels man of style, fashion and cuisine...common indeed! I wasn't disappointed at all.

I flipped open the first page, then flipped again...and again, again, again, again, again...I had to do this ten times to get to a story. The up side was, I got to see a note and a very Annette Bening'ish photo of the editor sitting on a chair that looks like it was stolen out of the gate area of some exotic far flung destination, perhaps...Newark or the like...BONUS! Some people wouldn't get it, but I knew what you were doing, Editor Jayne Haugen Olson...this was your idea of foreplay, and I was loving it. Nothing like a little advertising to get the blood flowing.

Then you made the first move and it was electric, a bottle of Beau Joie Champagne with a copper skeleton around the bottle so we don't even need to have an ice bucket, and at only $110 dollars a bottle, you had me opening my wallet like a 17 year old sailor in a whore house. Wow, that felt amazing, but you weren't finished yet.

You made me aware of  Prada, I got my eye on a hot little nine hundred dollar man bag I was hoping would really set off the rims on my Ford F-150 Pick up truck.  Then there was Edition Hotel, New York..I can't wait until it opens in 2015, talk about premature dirty. If you want a preview just skip on over to Istanbul (which I'm pretty sure is somewhere near Trenton) and check out the only open one. Then be sure to shell out ten thousand dollars for the penthouse suite...for one night.  Barcelona, Spain, how fantástico, Now I've got someplace else to go on vacation next year if my plans to Hampton Beach, NH fall through. You thrust all this on me before I could even take a breath. But you never did relent...

Then you made me do something I didn't feel like doing, but once I was amazing, I got a Saxonia Dual Time for the low low price of only $28,100... You tempted me with the 165th anniversary edition for a mere $500,000... But I felt I had the staying power for the 175th edition which could be much more than say $750,000 dollars, and so I waited. After all Jayne, this can't be all about me. I want you to be fulfilled as well, and what can be more fulfilling than what must be hundreds of millions of advertising dollars?!

It came time for your pièce de résistance....ah the restaurants. Contributing food editor Andrew Zimmern must have spent at least five, or maybe ten whole minutes coming up with these gems. Jason Oliver Nixon was no slouch either, and with the title of "Roosters, Pigs, Lambs and Lions, Oh, My!" must of had the help of an incredibly talented six year old copy writer, fresh from a viewing of that L. Frank Baum classic. I mean who doesn't want to drop a Benjamin or two for breakfast lunch and dinner every single day. I myself don't know of a single place in NYC where you could get a good sandwich or a slice of pizza. No Ma'am, not when I've just spent 28K on a watch, I need some beautiful, well heeled people to look at me while I overspend for a tortured plate of food. That's how "our" class of people roll.

I kept going, through Tel Aviv, a list of the best plastic surgeons of America (gosh, where do you even start right?!), a map of the Schipol Int'l airport in Amsterdam, until I couldn't take it anymore, I'm trying to not, one more page...... and then finally...DAMMIT!!!....somebody already did the crossword puzzle.

I don't know how you did it Jayne, I mean with eighty five or ninety percent of the plane being coach, and yet pulling in advertisers that make Robb Report look decidedly broke ass. After watching others use their magazine to scratch themselves with, put torn out pages over drink spills, move into other unsuspecting passengers seat backs...I knew we couldn't create this magic again. The only consolation I had, was knowing that there were others. Others that had been, and are being used, but unlike myself, the advertisers must be getting screwed every month, not just when Delta had the odd lower fare. Fed with what has to be a steady diet of promises, that they are reaching only the elitist of the elite. But instead are

Dear Jayne,

In all seriousness, I personally believe your food selections could use a bit more substance for the common person riding the planes. As for the destinations, fashion, culture...I don't really give a rip. Food is what I know. I can't help but think if you made the food pieces more accesible, the magazine may at some point become....palatable. I'd like to help with those pieces and am willing to do so for the cash equivalent, of the 165th anniversary 
Saxonia watch.....or whatever you can manage to scrape together. It's not for me, it's for my credit card bill that's now in the red by 40K + dollars because of all the must have items in your magazine...turns out some watch companies return policies are pretty strict.



  1. Bwhahahahaha! Love it! About time someone told the in-flight magazine editors, they need to be a little more...common. Perhaps have Anthony Bourdain do his 'Layover,' as a mag. article. They might find they have a better result, like people would actually want to do read it, and not just do the puzzles in the back.

  2. Thanks Bry, yeah...the whole flight all I saw were people flipping dejectedly through the pages and then as quickly as they had opened it, it would close again and becomed repurposed as a ball scratcher, coaster or paper towel of sorts... The people in the front were too busy being uninvolved with everything around them except for their drinks, and seeing who could whip out their noise cancelling headphones first...