GOOD FOOD, BAD FOOD

I haven’t done one of these in a while, but every now and again I think it’s good to lick a finger and stick it…. In the air to gauge which way the wind is blowing in the world of food. There are a lot of good things happening that have drawn some negative attention, and in my opinion a lot of crap still getting the usual praise. Let’s dispense with the negative so that we can all put down our forks from anger, and extend a cold pressed olive oil in peace.

Let’s start with pink slime and three cheers for getting rid of something I think we can all agree is truly evil. Thank heavens there is only one remaining plant still open and we have managed to put hundreds of people out of work! I’m just glad there is no other food product out there that is just as awful…like say… mechanically separated poultry (a.k.a. MSP).  Oh…. wait just a minute!

How is it pink slime got such a black eye and yet MSP got a pass? Now both are gone from the nightly news and everybody’s happy?! We are eating MSP in record amounts, and everybody is petting each other on the back for downing the evil “pink slime” while shoveling MSP into their faces in the form of chicken patties and cheap assed hot dogs.

 Nice going America! Due to a little one sided reporting and knee jerk reactions you managed to put a bunch of people out of work…just what this country needs. The good news is that now these folks are out of work, they will have to cut back on their food budgets and buy those cheaper hot dogs and processed chicken patties…maybe they can eat their way into a job in the MSP industry!

Milk, we need another milk like Taco Bell needs another way of stuffing the same five ingredients into a tortilla! When I was a kid we had whole milk which most people drank, and skim milk which near as I can tell nobody but kindergarten teachers and already too thin people drank. Milk actually had body and taste to it and now drinking milk is like having sex in a canoe…f’king close to water!

Then you look at the variety and types of milk available as if cows weren’t doing a good enough job in the milk production market. We decided to milk goats and sheep, why stop there?! I mean hell, gerbils, hamsters, guinea pigs and cats aren’t doing much…. Let’s get them in on the game! Of course animal milk wasn’t good for the lactose intolerant crowd, which is oddly growing by leaps and bounds each year…so we started creating other milks.

So we started making milk from Soy, Almonds and Rice. I’ve tried soy milk and if I’m being honest, I’d rather drink hamster milk. I think somebody realized how bad soy milk sucked so they started adding vanilla to it to make it palatable. They could add bacon and fairy dust to it and I still won’t drink it.

Almond milk I’ve had on accident and found it to be surprisingly good. But given the fact I don’t drink much milk these days in lieu of a diet low in bland milk and high in Jameson, I doubt I’ll be lining  up for almond milk anytime soon. As for rice milk I mean really, what’s the point?! The only milk product I buy on a regular basis is half and half for use in my crappy coffee each morning.  I’d rather buy double cream, but they don’t sell it in half gallons.

Pie pops and cake Pops. First off let me set the record straight by saying popsicles sucks. The only food worthy of sticks that doesn’t suck… is meat! Popsicles from my childhood bring back nothing but memories of falling chunks of sugar water covered in ants and chills up my spine from trying to bite into them…the same chills I get today by the mere mention of popsicles or seeing a political ad.

So when the same A-holes that brought us cupcakes in the form of tiered wedding cakes, bunny rabbits or precious little cupids started jamming sticks in balls of cake and selling them for a dollar or more a piece. I hated them instantly and more intensely than anything I have ever hated before…well except perhaps for the hate I feel towards people who insist on putting flax seeds in everything…

Pie pops are cute and I’m sure they are tasty, but to fill my need for pie I’d have to eat a dozen or so of these little bastards. What did that pie ever do to you to make you want to shrink it and shove a stick in it?! I pray in the name of all things that are good and delicious to eat, that when you die and go to the giant pie in the sky… a slice of blueberry shrinks you down, shoves a stick in your ass (to replace the one that was always there) and drops you in a precious display vase for other pies to eat. Stick with torturing cupcakes and leave the damned pies alone!

I’ve heard that the filled donut will be taking the place of the cupcake and for my money they can’t do that soon enough. I just feel bad for what must be thousands of fondant factories that will have to be shut down. I like the thought of filled donuts being the next trend. I picture them filled with things like maple cream and bacon lardon then turned into a tower of croquembouche awesomeness.

It’s bad assed and bad for your ass, so it makes it harder for some putz to start futzing with it. Well of course, first will come the eyes…then a tail…maybe a few little licorice arms and legs...then the damned fondant…. Oh for the love of Pete…fire up the damned fondant factories, miss cupcake over here’s got an idea! Anyway, enjoy the crème brulee filled donuts while you can.

Pig parts are something people like to bitch about as being overdone, and if the parts were dry tasteless and covered with fondant I’d say you got yourself a point. The fact of the matter is, it’s delicious, comes in a bazillion cuts and breeds, is moist and flavorful, goes better in bahn mi or an Italian sub than a pie-pop, and the kicker of them all is it’s just so versatile! I mean seriously, anything that goes with chocolate, ice cream and maple syrup then can stand alone in Korean BBQ…sign me up.

Bunnies and Goats…oh my! That’s right folks, make way for fluffy the bunny and kid the goat. I know what you’re thinking people and you’re right, bunnies and goats are cute…and if they weren’t delicious they’d make good pets. This is kind of like saying if frogs had wings, they wouldn’t bump their asses when they jump…who cares… it’s delicious.

Brace yourself for the coming of delicious and cute little critters. Asshole California Anti Foie people make a note… cute animals should be your next target on the “We want to tell you what you can eat campaign!” Goat makes quite possibly the best chili I ever had, and if bunny will make it better, I’m all in.

The last good thing that needs to continue in spades is Korean food of all kinds…from BBQ to Kimchi and everything in between.  We need some bold flavors like that added to our boring diets. I think we’re ready for it. I mean after what seems like nearly 20 years of testosterone fueled macho B.S. for all sauces hot and Buffalo wings that can melt your face, our palates deserve something spicy and flavorful like Korean food. Now if we could just get rid of the tough guy who dares you to make it too hot to eat…here’s a ghost pepper…bon appetit!

What is on your food radar my dearest warm, sensitive and gentle readers? What foods do you want more of, and what foods do you wish would take a hike? Where are you on Scotch eggs? Thoughts on Sriracha? Food Bloggers? Cookbooks and Cookbook Authors? Things made out of Rice Krispies? Fancy Gelatin desserts? Sushi? Things covered with fondant? What’s that shit on my Pizza? You tell me… I’m pretty good with most things as long as they are genuine, and not tortured or contrived. Hit me with it now, as there is only one post left before I’m ass deep to a ten foot gorilla in the St. Louis food scene…

ARGUMENT AGAINST FOIE GRAS is B.S.

It’s a cold winter morning and I’m six, watching my breath fade into a background of freshly fallen snow blanketing the ground. The winter has an eerie stillness, the silence only broken by the sound of my breathing and footsteps crunching in the new snow.

*THUD* Came the sound from my grandfather’s hatchet that woke me from my trance like state, the now bright red flecks of snow seemed omnipresent. The sound of the old rooster kicking and half running while flapping its wings became a new distraction as my mind raced to process what was happening.

This was my first experience in understanding where meat comes from. I’ll admit I wasn’t enthusiastic about the coq au vin that night and all I could think about were the times I would chase Henry, (that was the rooster’s name) or vice versa through the dusty driveway leading to my grandparents’ house.

When I cried at the dinner table that evening I remember my grandmother running her fingers through my hair and saying… “That was Henry’s job dear; if you don’t eat... it means he did his job for nothing…and I think that would make Henry very sad.” Of course it wasn't Henry's "only" job, but it was enough to make me start eating again. 

With the upcoming ban on foie gras in California, I have been talked at, by several people opposed to foie gras. They cited many video’s shot by so called “animal rights” groups, showing animals being tortured, abused and otherwise mistreated. Yet when I show them video’s, news articles, government reports and various other forms of documentation to support the opposite... this is what happens.

The champions of animal rights revert back to the spouting off of unsupported nonsense, and outright lies. Did they not see what I showed them? Did they even look? What is the underlying issue as to why no amount of evidence is good enough to satisfy their outrage?

I have a theory so follow with me if you will. I truly believe the vast majority of people who wave the banner of animal rights don’t do so because they want to improve the living conditions of animals raised for consumption.

I believe it’s because they don’t want animals to die in the name of human consumption period. Regardless of how happy and wonderful a life the animals may have led up to the time of slaughter.

Let’s look at a few lightning rods in the world of animal rights, Foie gras, milk fed veal, spring lamb and chicken. Why are people not concerned so much with beef? Yes its true people are concerned with feedlot beef, but I don’t see many people looking to outright ban beef…I kept asking myself why?

Consider the animals themselves, young, cute and fluffy for the most part. It’s the reason Rabbit isn’t as popular here in the U.S. as it is in the rest of the meat eating world. Guess who else sees this?

Wrong-headed politicians who allow themselves to be forced into picking a side...they see saving cute little animals as a vote grabber. After all who wants to see little bunnies or ducklings killed for any reason...It's a win win! Besides, they can go ahead and have foie when they go to Vail for that really important...uh.... meeting...
thing.  

I think most people in my age group (I just turned 39…four years ago) have a “Henry” story or know of someone who has. So when they go to the grocery store, they understand where meat actually comes from.

Younger people perhaps have a harder time grasping meat not magically appearing inside a Styrofoam and plastic package. As a result, the first video they see from (insert animal rights group here) of (insert cute animal here) being abused, tortured …VOILA, instant animal rights activist and/or vegan.

For all I know, they may even see video of an animal being raised or slaughtered in a responsible manner and reach the same conclusion because they are so revolted. Either way, they're somewhat disconnected.

I am positive I will hear how this is all a bunch of hooey and I couldn’t be more wrong (at best). Let me put it to you naysayers another way. If you saw video of happy ducks living like ducks do in green grassy wide open fields, frolicking and eating bugs. Then you see them getting only the finest spring water and eating only the best food.

You see them getting daily checkups from world renowned veterinarians to make sure their every need was met, and nutritionists to see that their diet was 100% proper. Now after twelve to fourteen weeks of all this magnificent attention and care were led to a room, and with no pain were magically killed. Would that be OK? If you’re being honest with yourselves, I suspect it wouldn't.

I think anybody who eats meat should at some time either bear witness to, or take part in an animal being slaughtered. It will give insight into what you eat and why. It will also give you a new respect for what you cook and how you cook it. It will teach you to not be wasteful as well as to understand total utilization for every portion of the animal. Beef for example is not just filet mignon and prime rib, it is also tripe and beef cheeks.

Chef Thomas Keller described to Author Michael Ruhlman how once when he was a young chef, thought it would be a good idea to have rabbit on the menu. When 11 live rabbits were delivered before dinner service and he had to kill and butcher them himself, he learned not only to respect the animal and the bounty it offered, but also not to ever disrespect that animal by overcooking it, or just tossing it because of an error in judgment or being careless.

So I believe the battle on foie gras isn’t based on better living conditions, or animals being mistreated, abused or injured. It is much more basic than that and we have only the politically correct society we live in to blame. We have desensitized people to the end purpose of raising such animals. The final destination for the animals we raise in such a manner is ultimately...our dinner table.

It is because we rarely see a slaughterhouse or a true butcher shop anymore. It is because most grocery stores have the butchering area almost invisible to outside eyes. What comes out of it are nice, clean, sterile, perfectly portioned plastic packs of something few people even stop to consider the origin of.

Instead it is reduced to knowing what cut of a particular type of meat you want, and does it say natural, grass fed or free range. It is because we use words like meat fabrication, or animal harvesting instead of what they actually are which is butchering and slaughtering.

I am for animals being treated well and with dignity while they are in our care. I don’t know of a single chef, cook or farmer who wants the opposite.

I’m all for oversight by people who want the best care for animals before they are ultimately...slaughtered. Not oversight by people who want the end result to be packs of wild chickens shopping on fifth avenue or begging for money so they can get a fun pass.  

The problem is no matter how high you set that bar for animal welfare, it will never be enough for some people…I know it, and so do they. I sincerely hope anybody who abuses, mistreats, or disrespects animals of any kind and in any way, are met in hell with a two by four to the head and are impaled by a six foot roll of flaming shag rug for eternity.

Should we strive to do a better job in the animal husbandry department...most definitely. But the solution isn't to just stop all farming and release the animals into the wild to eat granola, sing cumbayah and live fairly and harmoniously in nature. Just ask any baby wildebeest that has met with a pack of hyenas how fair and harmonious life is.

I find something I recently noticed to be very chilling, and yet telling of human behaviour. Most people will be visibly shaken or audibly gasp if an animal in a movie is shot or killed. The sad thing is, people barely make a sound when it is a human  in the same movie who gets shot or killed. I guess the human just doesn't meet the cuteness criteria some are looking for.
 

It is entirely possible and probable that the objection by some is strictly based on moral precepts. They choose not to eat meat because they'd prefer not to kill animals for the sake of themselves or their diet, and I most definitely respect that.

But to force that morality on the masses because is doesn't suit your views or lifestyle is just wrong...at least in this country. Otherwise, lets all pick just one religion...that should be easy right?  Do what most people do and agree to disagree, then go hunt down a tofurkey.

A vast majority of people eat animals and animal products. This has been going on since man learned how to sharpen sticks. They didn't sharpen sticks to keep the woolly mammoth out of the soy bean patch, it's because our ancestors wanted meat. Thank your lucky stars for that.

Without meat, our brains wouldn't have developed to where they are today. In fact we'd probably still be acting out Clan of the Cave Bear, instead of reading the awful book and turning it into a movie...come to think of it...damn you meat!

Let the individual decide for themselves what is right, and let them be held accountable for their actions in whatever afterlife you believe in. Think about this before taking matters into your collective self-righteous hands.

I believe the law regarding the banning of  foie gras in California is wrong because it is not an argument based on the welfare and treatment of animals. That is the thin veil it is draped in, because no reasonable person wants to see animals abused.

There is enough documentation to show that producers such as Hudson Valley Foie Gras couldn’t be treating their animals any better, if they were living in people’s homes, being fed Science Diet Duck Chow, and getting the good recliner in front of the big screen TV. You would think that would make these people happy as it achieved their goal of better animal husbandry right? Wrong... 

Lets call this what it really is...this is a law for people against the killing of any cute fuzzy animals. Especially if that cute fuzzy animal might be used in a made for tv family movie or insurance commercial. Regardless of how well or responsibly they are raised…It'll just never be good enough. Sorry cattle...you didn't quite make the cut...don't call us, we'll call you!