EGGS, Lets Start at the Beginning

Marco Pierre White says you can tell a lot about a cook just by the way they prepare an egg. When he talks about fried eggs he explains it’s more poaching in butter than it is frying. “If you can hear the egg cooking when you put it in the pan… your heat is too high.” After the whites have set carefully spoon the melted butter over the top of the egg until the tops of the white are set and voila, the perfect fried egg complete with a yolk that for all intents and purposes is its own sauce. It compliments anything it goes on from a cheeseburger to pizza even the toasted bread of a simple egg sandwich. Today I know this to be gospel yet somehow, that wasn't always the case.

I started cooking eggs not long after “The Great Pudding Incident of 80.” This cooking thing was fun and easy and hey, I even managed not to kill anybody! I made fried eggs for sandwiches that were cooked past Silly Putty stage both in texture and flavor. I couldn’t manage to flip the egg without breaking the yolk which although being fine by me, it was sacrilegious to my father.  My scrambled eggs were surprisingly good being both creamy and yet somehow fluffy. 

Then there were omelets, sadly I made my parents eat all manner of omelets not fit for human consumption. Sure there were some winners with onion, peppers and ham topped with cheese. But then there were those oregano, garlic and ginger fiascos that they somehow managed to choke down. They were overcooked, rarely folded in an omelet like manner and most definitely awful. My parents never said an ill word about any of it… and today I have them to blame for my love of cooking.

Dad’s famous egg dish was the simple fried egg. To pull this off you need a white hot cast iron skillet heated to somewhere between 1200 degrees Kelvin and the sun, a dollop of bacon grease (you mean there are other fats you can use?) and an egg. Melt the grease then drop your egg into the pan then as soon as you can grab your spatula your fried egg is done. This will give you a perfectly laced nearly burnt egg white on the bottom, on the top you get the stuff that hangs from the jowls of a St. Bernard and the yolk will be nearly as cold as it was when the egg was cracked. Dad liked to dip toast into this mess and I liked to drown mine with ketchup.

Mom’s Idea was a little different with regards to eggs and actually had the right idea in theory if not in practice. She would crack a dozen or so eggs beaten with a touch of milk and a little salt and pepper, cooked slowly in a low cast iron pan. She cooked the eggs slowly taking care to keep stirring the bottom of the pan nearly constantly making sure to hit the entire bottom in a back and forth motion like a tractor seeding a field. I suggested she turn the heat up but she wouldn’t hear of it and kept stirring gently. The only thing mom did that made them less than perfect was she cooked them a little too long.

Her hardboiled eggs were incorrect in every way imaginable in that you cover the eggs with water, boil them just shy of a decade, and take them off when there was no water left in the pan, or the egg. This would make for a Sahara dry green yolk perfect for adding to everything from salmon pea wiggle to potato salad?! My mother dearly loves adding eggs to dishes and if you turn your back long enough they’d end up in who knows what and for some reason, I still love them. Yes I love a creamy yolk as well, but I never balk at a mom’s cooked to death hardboiled egg.

Today as I start making what I now know to be a perfectly “fried” egg I realize I can learn a lot about myself just by looking at that egg “not making any noise in the pan.” I can see the evolution of me in it as a cook, not only the present successes but also what I’ve learned from my past failures. Then I smile and turn the pan up just a little and hear the egg start to spit. I grab two pieces of bread to toast and reach for the Sriracha to do an over easy egg sandwich. A little bit over cooked, a little bit under cooked  to honor the people who faced odd combinations and botulism to help me become the halfway decent cook I am today. Oh and mom, dad… thanks for not becoming physically sick from the canned tuna and macaroni omelet.

GOOD FOOD, BAD FOOD

I haven’t done one of these in a while, but every now and again I think it’s good to lick a finger and stick it…. In the air to gauge which way the wind is blowing in the world of food. There are a lot of good things happening that have drawn some negative attention, and in my opinion a lot of crap still getting the usual praise. Let’s dispense with the negative so that we can all put down our forks from anger, and extend a cold pressed olive oil in peace.

Let’s start with pink slime and three cheers for getting rid of something I think we can all agree is truly evil. Thank heavens there is only one remaining plant still open and we have managed to put hundreds of people out of work! I’m just glad there is no other food product out there that is just as awful…like say… mechanically separated poultry (a.k.a. MSP).  Oh…. wait just a minute!

How is it pink slime got such a black eye and yet MSP got a pass? Now both are gone from the nightly news and everybody’s happy?! We are eating MSP in record amounts, and everybody is petting each other on the back for downing the evil “pink slime” while shoveling MSP into their faces in the form of chicken patties and cheap assed hot dogs.

 Nice going America! Due to a little one sided reporting and knee jerk reactions you managed to put a bunch of people out of work…just what this country needs. The good news is that now these folks are out of work, they will have to cut back on their food budgets and buy those cheaper hot dogs and processed chicken patties…maybe they can eat their way into a job in the MSP industry!

Milk, we need another milk like Taco Bell needs another way of stuffing the same five ingredients into a tortilla! When I was a kid we had whole milk which most people drank, and skim milk which near as I can tell nobody but kindergarten teachers and already too thin people drank. Milk actually had body and taste to it and now drinking milk is like having sex in a canoe…f’king close to water!

Then you look at the variety and types of milk available as if cows weren’t doing a good enough job in the milk production market. We decided to milk goats and sheep, why stop there?! I mean hell, gerbils, hamsters, guinea pigs and cats aren’t doing much…. Let’s get them in on the game! Of course animal milk wasn’t good for the lactose intolerant crowd, which is oddly growing by leaps and bounds each year…so we started creating other milks.

So we started making milk from Soy, Almonds and Rice. I’ve tried soy milk and if I’m being honest, I’d rather drink hamster milk. I think somebody realized how bad soy milk sucked so they started adding vanilla to it to make it palatable. They could add bacon and fairy dust to it and I still won’t drink it.

Almond milk I’ve had on accident and found it to be surprisingly good. But given the fact I don’t drink much milk these days in lieu of a diet low in bland milk and high in Jameson, I doubt I’ll be lining  up for almond milk anytime soon. As for rice milk I mean really, what’s the point?! The only milk product I buy on a regular basis is half and half for use in my crappy coffee each morning.  I’d rather buy double cream, but they don’t sell it in half gallons.

Pie pops and cake Pops. First off let me set the record straight by saying popsicles sucks. The only food worthy of sticks that doesn’t suck… is meat! Popsicles from my childhood bring back nothing but memories of falling chunks of sugar water covered in ants and chills up my spine from trying to bite into them…the same chills I get today by the mere mention of popsicles or seeing a political ad.

So when the same A-holes that brought us cupcakes in the form of tiered wedding cakes, bunny rabbits or precious little cupids started jamming sticks in balls of cake and selling them for a dollar or more a piece. I hated them instantly and more intensely than anything I have ever hated before…well except perhaps for the hate I feel towards people who insist on putting flax seeds in everything…

Pie pops are cute and I’m sure they are tasty, but to fill my need for pie I’d have to eat a dozen or so of these little bastards. What did that pie ever do to you to make you want to shrink it and shove a stick in it?! I pray in the name of all things that are good and delicious to eat, that when you die and go to the giant pie in the sky… a slice of blueberry shrinks you down, shoves a stick in your ass (to replace the one that was always there) and drops you in a precious display vase for other pies to eat. Stick with torturing cupcakes and leave the damned pies alone!

I’ve heard that the filled donut will be taking the place of the cupcake and for my money they can’t do that soon enough. I just feel bad for what must be thousands of fondant factories that will have to be shut down. I like the thought of filled donuts being the next trend. I picture them filled with things like maple cream and bacon lardon then turned into a tower of croquembouche awesomeness.

It’s bad assed and bad for your ass, so it makes it harder for some putz to start futzing with it. Well of course, first will come the eyes…then a tail…maybe a few little licorice arms and legs...then the damned fondant…. Oh for the love of Pete…fire up the damned fondant factories, miss cupcake over here’s got an idea! Anyway, enjoy the crème brulee filled donuts while you can.

Pig parts are something people like to bitch about as being overdone, and if the parts were dry tasteless and covered with fondant I’d say you got yourself a point. The fact of the matter is, it’s delicious, comes in a bazillion cuts and breeds, is moist and flavorful, goes better in bahn mi or an Italian sub than a pie-pop, and the kicker of them all is it’s just so versatile! I mean seriously, anything that goes with chocolate, ice cream and maple syrup then can stand alone in Korean BBQ…sign me up.

Bunnies and Goats…oh my! That’s right folks, make way for fluffy the bunny and kid the goat. I know what you’re thinking people and you’re right, bunnies and goats are cute…and if they weren’t delicious they’d make good pets. This is kind of like saying if frogs had wings, they wouldn’t bump their asses when they jump…who cares… it’s delicious.

Brace yourself for the coming of delicious and cute little critters. Asshole California Anti Foie people make a note… cute animals should be your next target on the “We want to tell you what you can eat campaign!” Goat makes quite possibly the best chili I ever had, and if bunny will make it better, I’m all in.

The last good thing that needs to continue in spades is Korean food of all kinds…from BBQ to Kimchi and everything in between.  We need some bold flavors like that added to our boring diets. I think we’re ready for it. I mean after what seems like nearly 20 years of testosterone fueled macho B.S. for all sauces hot and Buffalo wings that can melt your face, our palates deserve something spicy and flavorful like Korean food. Now if we could just get rid of the tough guy who dares you to make it too hot to eat…here’s a ghost pepper…bon appetit!

What is on your food radar my dearest warm, sensitive and gentle readers? What foods do you want more of, and what foods do you wish would take a hike? Where are you on Scotch eggs? Thoughts on Sriracha? Food Bloggers? Cookbooks and Cookbook Authors? Things made out of Rice Krispies? Fancy Gelatin desserts? Sushi? Things covered with fondant? What’s that shit on my Pizza? You tell me… I’m pretty good with most things as long as they are genuine, and not tortured or contrived. Hit me with it now, as there is only one post left before I’m ass deep to a ten foot gorilla in the St. Louis food scene…