BLAH, BLAH, PETA

Hi my name is Pavlov, and I’m a member of PETA, People Eating Tasty Animals…or at least that’s what I think of when I see PETA (heretofore to be known as BLAH). As a member of the human race I for one am happy that my grandfather to the tenth power was a meat eater. Because of that I’m able to stand upright, and use logic and reason for critical thinking tasks such as problem solving.

It’s Friday night and you have one third of a bottle of Jameson and no ice, thanks to my roughly 85 cubic inches of gray and white matter, I know this means I need to stop at the liquor store and on the way home swing by the circle-K for some ice if I’m going to be able to make it through the weekend. My critical thinking challenged primate brethren might take this same problem and decide it might be time to scratch its ass with a stalk of celery.

I’ve been eating meat all my life and have no plans to change that whatsoever. So when I see BLAH protesting outside a restaurant be it KFC or perhaps a fine dining establishment, it has no effect other than to make me want to buy a bucket of the Colonel’s best or pop in for the nine course  foie gras tasting menu.

When I see or hear a story about BLAH my brain just tends to drown it out until I either get to the box scores or I hear The Voidoids coming out of the speakers. That being said I had to ask myself the question, is BLAH even effective or relevant anymore? It just seems as though their protests are becoming more and more outlandish to the point that they’re laughable and have the shock value of a kitten sleeping in a shoebox.

I grew up around farm animals my entire life and have a great amount of respect for them and what they provide for me. I am a friend to animals to the point that when I was a kid and I found a birds nest with babies in it had fallen off a light post, I brought it and them to the humane society to be cared for. I am grateful for the role in which animals serve me and when I use such products as meat, cheese, milk, etc…I try to do it in such a manner as to honor said animal. That being said, this is their purpose on this earth…nothing more, and nothing less.

Let’s look at some things BLAH has done to garner attention over the past couple of years so that I may better understand what it is they are trying to accomplish. Covering a couple of people in red paint and then lying wrapped in plastic and Styrofoam then labeled FLESH in New York City, as though they were meat in a supermarket. I can hardly imagine this would have garnered them more than a second look in New York. My question is why didn’t the plastic wrap cover the entire Styrofoam base, was it to save plastic? Three cheers for being environmentally conscious!

Dressing little people as baby chicks and marching around in front of the Times Square McDonald’s chanting “cluck you McDonald’s.” I don’t know about you but I would have seen this as a great opportunity to get a picture of me and life sized baby chicks while eating mcnuggets for my Facebook page. I mean really, don’t chicken nuggets come from baby chicken breasts? I grew up with chickens that were raised for eggs, and after the number of times I’ve been pecked by them I’ve gotta be honest…I don’t mind seeing a few of them meet their maker be it for chicken  rillettes or chicken nuggets.

Look I’m all for animals being treated humanely, and I’m sure like the road to hell, BLAH started off with the best intentions. Where did it get derailed and where is it going to stop? Is the end game to never have a single human being eat or use anything that was derived from animals? If that’s the case, what do they plan on using to fertilize their next crop of alfalfa sprouts?

Humans and animals have had a symbiotic relationship since nearly the beginning of time. They have given us clothing, food, transportation and labor. In turn we have given them relative safety, an atmosphere conducive to procreate in, and a steady supply of food. What could be better than that, well…unless you’re trying to plow your fields, breed and feed a herd of wooly mammoths? I’m wondering if any of my ancestors ever had that conversation with the family in the next cave…”Gee whiz Bob, they sure are good at plowing fields, but my back is killing me from shoveling crap out of their pen!”

I want to go on record as saying I don’t want to see animals raised inhumanely, in poor conditions or mistreated in any way. But to what ends are we going to take this? Chickens that may be conscious before going into boiling water…do you have a pulse doctor? Yes, now I need 10cc of GMAFB…STAT! This is not the greatest concern facing our country. BLAH activists taking live lobsters and throwing them back into a lake is I think, of greater concern.

I haven’t read BLAH’s mission statement and I don’t plan to anytime soon. But I can imagine it goes something like this;

To anyone who has ever owned a tiny kitten or puppy, please send us a check to make sure nobody will ever harm cute fluffy little animals ever again. We have made it our goal to have herds of cows roaming freely in their natural environment by this time next Tuesday, and gaggles of Gerbils frolicking in city parks by the Tuesday after that.

As a token of appreciation of your generous gift, we would like to present the men with this hand crafted polyester tie compliments of the petroleum industry, and giant billboards of a half-naked Pamela Anderson. For you ladies we offer unlimited pictures of cute animals being tortured so that we may own your heartstrings to pluck with the frequency of Ivan Julian’s Guitar and we are currently working on hunky men billboards wearing nothing but a hemp leaf a la Adam and Eve.  

Thank you for your continued support as we strive to become as ridiculous and outlandish as humanly possible, so that we may further our cause of raising money to line our pockets awareness for our just and humane cause. We refuse to let bunnies eyes be used for testing, but instead will continue to push for awful little children to be used in a like manner. Thanks again, and look for us at the next fashion show where we will be using good quality paint to splash on models wearing fake fur as a symbol of our outrage and disgust for the leather purses and wallets we are carrying.

I know I’ve gone off on a jaunt here, and I am positive I’m going to get some really pissed off people defending this truly wonderful organization to the hilt. I just don’t see the point of BLAH with all the awful things that happen in the world. The stunts BLAH does to advance their cause just seem like silly tirades. I am not sure many people are listening anymore as they are becoming desensitized to the background noise BLAH makes. They are becoming a punch line and a parody of themselves, leaving but one way to become more extreme.

I keep thinking to myself, there must be something BLAH does that I can get on board with. Maybe they are working with cattle farmers to make sure the animals have adequate room to feed on, or make sure their diet is up to snuff, or even make it so the animals are not abused. I could get behind all these things, but the problem is once these things are achieved it will be something more. The more you give to these folks, the more they will take and in the end…It will never be enough. The mere fact the cattle will be slaughtered is just too much for them to take, even though that is the end result of raising cattle.

I have a friend who is a vegan and I was making toast one morning at the restaurant. I offered to make him some to go with his morning herbal tea. He asked me which bread I was using and when I told him, he said “I can’t…there’s honey in it.” I said what’s wrong with honey? “The bees….they’re exploiting the bees.” I said, that’s what bees do my man….they make honey no matter what. They have for millions of years and if we’re all gone tomorrow, the bees will still be making honey. “It’s not right.” Said my friend…and all I could offer was a shoulder shrug.

If we’re gone tomorrow, animals will still be dying.  If not at the hands of man, it will be by each other. Anybody who has seen a national geographic special will tell you it’s not in the most humane way. The lion is decidedly not concerned with the antelope’s comfort and well-being. Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you…I’ll eat the bear thank you very much...or at the very least, die trying.