FOOD REVOLUTION, WHOSE FIGHTING?

When it comes to the food revolution, how far have we really come? Better yet, how much further do we have to go? And when we are fighting to get there we will be dragging people kicking and screaming in our wake, or will we just leave them to die at the hands of junk and processed foods? Three questions I’d really love an answers for, but for the life of me I can’t help but think nobody even heard them.

Here we are at a time where most people have access to some of the best food in our nation’s history, and yet they are still reaching for taco’s made with a Dorito shell. How it is possible there is still such a great divide between people who get what’s available, and people who don’t? I understand that sometimes you want to reach for something you find tasty letting calories and nutrition be damned…but shouldn’t these types of places start to dwindle a bit rather than growing like kudzu?

I was at the grocery store the other day and saw a father with two younger children in their late single digits walking down the aisle when he says the following, “ok guys…go ahead and pick up your Gatorade!” A rebuttal by Gatorade to Marion Nestles article on sports drinks states that these drinks “are meant to provide fuel specifically for athletes.” Did this dad not get the memo before walking by the ten to fifteen feet worth of Gatorade product space?

All I can figure is that Northwood, NH is a hotbed of athletic activities. I’m sure that’s why Gatorade is so prevalent on the shelves of the supermarket there. A town with a population of 3,500 people has enough Gatorade to send every man, woman and child of that town to the Olympics…That’s right granny with a little more help on your boxing skills and some Gatorade, looks like you’re gonna be in London this summer!

I pick on Gatorade because, well because their rebuttal was one of the biggest bunches of horse apples I’ve ever seen. But they’re not the only company being dishonest to themselves and the average consumer. If McDonald’s were a cigarette company, their advertising would have been shut down years ago. What kid doesn’t like a clown and all his wacky pals?! OK, I guess I was kinda creeped out by the whole clown thing when I was a kid. But I sure was a big fan of toys and toys are everywhere at this place, and by some minor miracle they usually have something to do with the latest blockbuster kid’s movie that has just come out. The good news kids, all you gotta do is beg like homeless people for hours on end to get your mom and dad to take you there.

Sure, now they have what… apple slices? So naturally this is one healthy happy meal. I say tack on the nearly 700 mg of sodium and 16.5 grams of fat and 60 carbs and you got yourself a hamburger fat and happy meal! I don’t know about the clown, but I sure am smiling after that many carbs! Just imagine if I had the cheeseburger, I could have been at nearly 40 percent of my daily allowance of sodium…maybe we can get them to start serving Gatorade G2 (the low calorie version you know…because it’s healthier) and give the gift of nearly  half the daily allowance of sodium to these future athletes!

When I was a kid shopping with my mother at the grocery store, the most exotic thing in the produce section was a pineapple or the odd coconut. The produce section was the place you stopped in if you were going to have a salad, the real vegetables were mostly in cans or frozen. (Luckily my mom canned and froze most of our own vegetables) Iceberg lettuce, tomato, radishes, carrots, red and green bell peppers, cucumbers, onions or maybe scallions was about all the exotica you could find. Sure there were red and white potatoes and the run of the mill fruit, but ask for yucca back then and you would have been treated as though you asked the produce manager for a bag of wet monkeys.

Today there is not only yucca for the asking, but such crazy things as romaine lettuce (I’m telling you kids…it wasn’t there) plantains, endive, three kinds of chard, several types of banana, well hell you’ve been there so you know. So with all this new stuff available to us, why are we still loading up on the TGIF wings in the frozen section and bags of microwaveable fried rice? Are we that damned busy we don’t have time to make a meal for our family? I know for a fact that if you fire up that gas grill and have some chicken and a few vegetables you can have a meal cooked and on the table in less than 20 minutes, and less than that if you learn a simple fresh stir fry. Afterwards you’ll feel better about it, and less like you just emptied your car's oil and rolled around in the stuff.

With people like Alice Waters and Jamie Oliver running around making sure kids are only eating organic sprouts grown by Miss Toddlers 3^rd grade science class, let’s take a realistic look at school lunch programs. My school lunches as a senior in high school cost sixty five cents, and they were worth every penny…all sixty five of them. I remember seeing the S.S. Pierce truck pull up and watched them off load case after case of canned and processed food. Hell the only fresh green thing in the kitchen was the salad which consisted of cut up iceberg lettuce…that’s it. Luckily we had the “orange-reddish” dressing with probably enough trans-fat and sugar to kill a Clydesdale to cover up that awful fresh taste, and only whole chocolate or white milk to wash it down.

I know we can do better for our children than what we had as kids but to what end? Alice Waters a lovely woman and a great chef, but at the far end of the crazy scale when it comes to what is realistic to expect in school lunch programs of this country…at least for the foreseeable future. Jamie Oliver’s approach seems to me a more realistic one for the short term in providing training for kitchen staff and swapping out fried and processed foods for fresh fruits and vegetables. But how are food programs going to get more money when little Tiffany’s band program just got cut? More importantly…Who is going to train little Tiffany’s parents?

Cibo people are everywhere, and so are those annoying foodies. You can hardly turn on the TV these days without running into a cooking or food show. Ratings for food shows on multiple channels are climbing so networks are all scrambling to get their share of the pie, by creating more and more asinine shows than the last… and that’s a problem. Maybe full grown adults watching some dumbass who doesn’t know what side of his head sunglasses are made for aren’t getting the right message about food.

Think about where nonfood centric people learn most about food. The internet, evening news, newspapers…wherever it is…are being spoon fed bite sized tidbits about what’s going on in the food world in a very unpalatable way. This or that causes heart disease, these foods cause diabetes after you eat them twice, and this tastes really great but will eat a hole in your brain! Who the hell wants that when you can just be happy and carefree in front of the TV? You can watch Ditsy Do Right make a fabulous meal with a couple cans of cream of whatever that took five minutes and about a dollars’ worth of love and electricity in the microwave.

I know I haven’t answered any of the questions I set out to answer, and in fact I know I’ve created a ton more. After thinking the food movement has come so far in this country, I’m realizing it’s got so much further to go. Do I want to see the outright ban of certain foods? Hell no…if you outlaw Ring Dings, only criminals will have Ring Dings…well criminals and me I guess. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t think twice about knocking granny down on my way to the last box of them on the shelf. Just watch yourself though; she could be the one on her way to the Olympics this summer!

So I don’t want to see foods banned, what I’d love to see are families have a shopping cart with a preponderance of fresh fruits and vegetables in their cart, and fewer than twenty frozen meals. I’d love to see people at the farmers market who were actually there to do something crazy like, oh hell I don’t know…buy vegetables! Instead they are there showing the world how green they are by wearing nothing but 100% hemp fiber clothing, and 100% recycled don’t bungle with the jungle tote bags. They use these for the odd bit of produce, but mostly to carry their precious little pup “Prius” around…Who I’m pretty sure….. yup… just took a leak on momma’s once white asparagus!

Asian Markets...Baby Steps

I have been under the weather for a few days so I haven't felt much like writing. I'll be back with something new this week. In the meantime, here are some pics of an Asian market I went to in Nashua NH. Feel free to comment on the pics, or let me know what some of the things you see are good for. I'm really curious about the dried pork that looks like ancient beef jerky that has nearly turned to the consistency of rockwool insulation. Enjoy the pics, and have a super weekend!

Thought of Roddy Gibbs when I saw this as we both like them, anyone else?

Truly Agar Agar or is this just the Asian version of Jell-O?

Various Fruits in heavy syrup.

Need this...but for what? Ramen or Pho additive?

No idea...

I'm sorry, call me prudish...I'm just not eating quail eggs or chickens from a can.

The Land O' Ramen

One of dozens of brands of fish sauce..Anyone have a favorite?

anyone? anyone?

difference between regular basil?

Yup, I'd dig this the same way I dig maple sugar....

Ideas?

Fish oils and canned fish...

I really want to use this, but as a pinch between my cheek n gum...or as a food additive?

I should know what this is for, but I'd rather ask you people than ask Google...

anyone tste this? Thoughts?

Do Asian folks actually use a lot of these types of sauces, or are they just of the ketchup and mayo convenience variety?

Tons of snacks, not sure where to begin really...any that I must try?!

More Snacks!

Hello Kate!

I'm pretty sure this one says I dare you to try this.... just not sure if it's Mandarin or Cantonese?

Now I didn't take a pic of the produce area as it was fairly small and not a lot of odd things I didn't recognize.  I did notice we are getting screwed on the size of Daikon Radish we get at my local grocery store as they also come in horse leg large! The thing I noticed, is the herbs and spices were of a great variety and very inexpensive. Can anyone vouch for how good or bad they are?

The frozen foods are also not represented much, but from everything I looked at, it was a lot of processed stuff I could get at most stores. They did have some things like noodles that were fresh and then frozen that I'd like to try... but not much aside from that. Keep in mind this is a small market and there are others in the Boston area to match the largest supermarkets, that I will be checking out.... but for now.... baby steps.

Thanks for reading...Pav



ARGUMENT AGAINST FOIE GRAS is B.S.

It’s a cold winter morning and I’m six, watching my breath fade into a background of freshly fallen snow blanketing the ground. The winter has an eerie stillness, the silence only broken by the sound of my breathing and footsteps crunching in the new snow.

*THUD* Came the sound from my grandfather’s hatchet that woke me from my trance like state, the now bright red flecks of snow seemed omnipresent. The sound of the old rooster kicking and half running while flapping its wings became a new distraction as my mind raced to process what was happening.

This was my first experience in understanding where meat comes from. I’ll admit I wasn’t enthusiastic about the coq au vin that night and all I could think about were the times I would chase Henry, (that was the rooster’s name) or vice versa through the dusty driveway leading to my grandparents’ house.

When I cried at the dinner table that evening I remember my grandmother running her fingers through my hair and saying… “That was Henry’s job dear; if you don’t eat... it means he did his job for nothing…and I think that would make Henry very sad.” Of course it wasn't Henry's "only" job, but it was enough to make me start eating again. 

With the upcoming ban on foie gras in California, I have been talked at, by several people opposed to foie gras. They cited many video’s shot by so called “animal rights” groups, showing animals being tortured, abused and otherwise mistreated. Yet when I show them video’s, news articles, government reports and various other forms of documentation to support the opposite... this is what happens.

The champions of animal rights revert back to the spouting off of unsupported nonsense, and outright lies. Did they not see what I showed them? Did they even look? What is the underlying issue as to why no amount of evidence is good enough to satisfy their outrage?

I have a theory so follow with me if you will. I truly believe the vast majority of people who wave the banner of animal rights don’t do so because they want to improve the living conditions of animals raised for consumption.

I believe it’s because they don’t want animals to die in the name of human consumption period. Regardless of how happy and wonderful a life the animals may have led up to the time of slaughter.

Let’s look at a few lightning rods in the world of animal rights, Foie gras, milk fed veal, spring lamb and chicken. Why are people not concerned so much with beef? Yes its true people are concerned with feedlot beef, but I don’t see many people looking to outright ban beef…I kept asking myself why?

Consider the animals themselves, young, cute and fluffy for the most part. It’s the reason Rabbit isn’t as popular here in the U.S. as it is in the rest of the meat eating world. Guess who else sees this?

Wrong-headed politicians who allow themselves to be forced into picking a side...they see saving cute little animals as a vote grabber. After all who wants to see little bunnies or ducklings killed for any reason...It's a win win! Besides, they can go ahead and have foie when they go to Vail for that really important...uh.... meeting...
thing.  

I think most people in my age group (I just turned 39…four years ago) have a “Henry” story or know of someone who has. So when they go to the grocery store, they understand where meat actually comes from.

Younger people perhaps have a harder time grasping meat not magically appearing inside a Styrofoam and plastic package. As a result, the first video they see from (insert animal rights group here) of (insert cute animal here) being abused, tortured …VOILA, instant animal rights activist and/or vegan.

For all I know, they may even see video of an animal being raised or slaughtered in a responsible manner and reach the same conclusion because they are so revolted. Either way, they're somewhat disconnected.

I am positive I will hear how this is all a bunch of hooey and I couldn’t be more wrong (at best). Let me put it to you naysayers another way. If you saw video of happy ducks living like ducks do in green grassy wide open fields, frolicking and eating bugs. Then you see them getting only the finest spring water and eating only the best food.

You see them getting daily checkups from world renowned veterinarians to make sure their every need was met, and nutritionists to see that their diet was 100% proper. Now after twelve to fourteen weeks of all this magnificent attention and care were led to a room, and with no pain were magically killed. Would that be OK? If you’re being honest with yourselves, I suspect it wouldn't.

I think anybody who eats meat should at some time either bear witness to, or take part in an animal being slaughtered. It will give insight into what you eat and why. It will also give you a new respect for what you cook and how you cook it. It will teach you to not be wasteful as well as to understand total utilization for every portion of the animal. Beef for example is not just filet mignon and prime rib, it is also tripe and beef cheeks.

Chef Thomas Keller described to Author Michael Ruhlman how once when he was a young chef, thought it would be a good idea to have rabbit on the menu. When 11 live rabbits were delivered before dinner service and he had to kill and butcher them himself, he learned not only to respect the animal and the bounty it offered, but also not to ever disrespect that animal by overcooking it, or just tossing it because of an error in judgment or being careless.

So I believe the battle on foie gras isn’t based on better living conditions, or animals being mistreated, abused or injured. It is much more basic than that and we have only the politically correct society we live in to blame. We have desensitized people to the end purpose of raising such animals. The final destination for the animals we raise in such a manner is ultimately...our dinner table.

It is because we rarely see a slaughterhouse or a true butcher shop anymore. It is because most grocery stores have the butchering area almost invisible to outside eyes. What comes out of it are nice, clean, sterile, perfectly portioned plastic packs of something few people even stop to consider the origin of.

Instead it is reduced to knowing what cut of a particular type of meat you want, and does it say natural, grass fed or free range. It is because we use words like meat fabrication, or animal harvesting instead of what they actually are which is butchering and slaughtering.

I am for animals being treated well and with dignity while they are in our care. I don’t know of a single chef, cook or farmer who wants the opposite.

I’m all for oversight by people who want the best care for animals before they are ultimately...slaughtered. Not oversight by people who want the end result to be packs of wild chickens shopping on fifth avenue or begging for money so they can get a fun pass.  

The problem is no matter how high you set that bar for animal welfare, it will never be enough for some people…I know it, and so do they. I sincerely hope anybody who abuses, mistreats, or disrespects animals of any kind and in any way, are met in hell with a two by four to the head and are impaled by a six foot roll of flaming shag rug for eternity.

Should we strive to do a better job in the animal husbandry department...most definitely. But the solution isn't to just stop all farming and release the animals into the wild to eat granola, sing cumbayah and live fairly and harmoniously in nature. Just ask any baby wildebeest that has met with a pack of hyenas how fair and harmonious life is.

I find something I recently noticed to be very chilling, and yet telling of human behaviour. Most people will be visibly shaken or audibly gasp if an animal in a movie is shot or killed. The sad thing is, people barely make a sound when it is a human  in the same movie who gets shot or killed. I guess the human just doesn't meet the cuteness criteria some are looking for.
 

It is entirely possible and probable that the objection by some is strictly based on moral precepts. They choose not to eat meat because they'd prefer not to kill animals for the sake of themselves or their diet, and I most definitely respect that.

But to force that morality on the masses because is doesn't suit your views or lifestyle is just wrong...at least in this country. Otherwise, lets all pick just one religion...that should be easy right?  Do what most people do and agree to disagree, then go hunt down a tofurkey.

A vast majority of people eat animals and animal products. This has been going on since man learned how to sharpen sticks. They didn't sharpen sticks to keep the woolly mammoth out of the soy bean patch, it's because our ancestors wanted meat. Thank your lucky stars for that.

Without meat, our brains wouldn't have developed to where they are today. In fact we'd probably still be acting out Clan of the Cave Bear, instead of reading the awful book and turning it into a movie...come to think of it...damn you meat!

Let the individual decide for themselves what is right, and let them be held accountable for their actions in whatever afterlife you believe in. Think about this before taking matters into your collective self-righteous hands.

I believe the law regarding the banning of  foie gras in California is wrong because it is not an argument based on the welfare and treatment of animals. That is the thin veil it is draped in, because no reasonable person wants to see animals abused.

There is enough documentation to show that producers such as Hudson Valley Foie Gras couldn’t be treating their animals any better, if they were living in people’s homes, being fed Science Diet Duck Chow, and getting the good recliner in front of the big screen TV. You would think that would make these people happy as it achieved their goal of better animal husbandry right? Wrong... 

Lets call this what it really is...this is a law for people against the killing of any cute fuzzy animals. Especially if that cute fuzzy animal might be used in a made for tv family movie or insurance commercial. Regardless of how well or responsibly they are raised…It'll just never be good enough. Sorry cattle...you didn't quite make the cut...don't call us, we'll call you!

THE CLAM BOX (Review A and B)

In my snit fit from earlier in the week regarding "trimming the fat." I said I could do it and this review will be proof I am capable. Review A is a typical Pav styled review with all the fixins. Review B is pretty much the bare bones version at less one third the size of A. I'd be interested to hear know what you think...for those in a hurry, skip to B and maybe come back and let me know what you thought of A.

P.S~ Pictures at the bottom


THE CLAM BOX  (Review A)

Growing up in New Hampshire and spending weekends and vacations on the Maine coast, I think it’s safe to say I’ve had my fair share of clams. I’ve eaten them just about every way you possibly can, from raw to stuffed and everything in between.

My favorite way to have them is sautéed with a bit of white wine, shallots and butter, then finished with some freshly chopped parsley and cream. A close second that brings back memories of everything from the beach with my family to being kicked off nearly every ride at Old Orchard Beach, is fried clams.

I was at the Todd Farm antique show and flea market last weekend in Rowley, Massachusetts. I went there because it’s supposed to be a pretty big deal with antique dealers and seekers of fine garbage.

I myself am not an antique dealer. I’m guessing the oldest thing I probably possess is a can of Spam I pilfered from my mother’s pantry when I moved away from home. Not sure why I purloined it as I don’t like Spam, it seemed like a good idea at the time as protein rarely gets top billing on the typical eighteen year olds shopping list.

I guess the reason I went to the antique show was because it was going to be sunny and in the low eighties, and I needed to get my first sunburn of the season out of the way so I could settle into my natural mid-summer color of something between dark freckled and pink. Besides, I couldn't come up with an excuse not to go.

I met a friend of mine there who told me I would see or find just about anything an antique person could ever want. He said this as we started to walk down a dirt pathway between the vendors when I noticed he was sporting a pair of Gucci driving mocs.

As I don’t own a pair of Gucci anything and was dressed somewhere between professional Frisbee golfer and “Dude” Lebowski, I was in for a fun couple of hours. The next two hours were Felliniesque to say the least. I never actually saw anything I wanted and even if I had the vendors skeeve me out.

They have this look of, oh my sweet biscuits n gravy, you’re not really gonna pay what I was asking for that are you?! I enjoy haggling with these people the same way I’d probably enjoy being circumcised with a chainsaw which is to say, not at all.

The other thing about flea markets and antique shops that give me pause are half of the things are only as old as me and I or my parents had a set of at one time or another, and the other half are things I had to help bring to the dump when my grandparents passed away...so I hardly see value in such things aside from nostalgia or a deep appreciation for the smell of mothballs.

But my friend seemed happy enough as he got to try on a buckskin coat a la Daniel Boone which looked positively comical with his Gucci mocs, and he was able to purchase a Native American blanket for thirty bucks that had a hole in it. He theorized the blanket would make excellent seat covers for a couple of chairs he was "redoing". I’ll have to take his word for it…

It was getting on towards noon and aside from becoming covered in dust and sunburn, I was also getting hungry. I suggested a hot dog at the snack bar and after his blank stare and dissertation as to what he thought about hot dogs, he suggested I go to The Clam Box just down the street.

"The fried clams are fabulous, and the onion rings are to die for!" His words, not mine, but as my friend is a worldly man and a man of finer things I took his suggestion to heart and we parted ways…

Apparently he had a date with a couple of Queen Anne style ladder backs. Not sure what breed of dog that is, but I’ll make a date with fried clams and onion rings over a dog any day. (Yes people, I know they’re chairs…self-deprecating dolt seemed funnier)

So I arrived at the restaurant not long after noon, and this not being tourist season yet I expected it to be slow. I arrived to see a line of ten or so people standing outside the door. This is always the sign of a good seafood joint, and I just wished I was born with the gift of patience. After standing in line for some thirty minutes I finally got to just inside the door where the menu board was visible.

It wasn’t a very large menu which is good because too big a menu makes for a roulette wheel styled game of …"what fish isn’t selling fast enough?" The grand prize for winning this game is a two day supply of Imodium and hallucinations of your Cat holding keggers and driving your car...I could have sworn I had a full tank! 

The menu didn’t matter because I was getting clams. Any new seafood shack in New England, the benchmark for all their fried food is set by how well they do their clams. Since this place was called The Clam Box (there since 1935) and everyone from The New York Times to USA Today had given this place accolades, I knew the clams should be amazing.

The price was daunting $24.95 for a large Clam Box (That’s whole bellied clams, not the bastardized little pieces of rubber bands known as clam strips) and $6.95 for a large Onion Ring, but any place given this much praise is bound to be a bit “proud” of their food.

It only took ten minutes until they called my number. The staff was friendly and handed me my food, extra condiments, and napkins. It was crowded inside so I went outside to an empty picnic area to get my feed on. The first thing I had to try was the onion rings, which were done in a typical fish fry manner meaning coating rather than batter. This makes for a crisp light onion ring with no discernible oiliness.

They were good but at $6.95 I guess I was expecting something to set them apart. I dug into the clams and they were as good as the place I normally go to get clams. Aside from being ever so slightly less coated, there was little difference.  

I barely managed to finish my clams. The onion rings, well the onion rings I only ate a third before I hit the wall. The thing about fried seafood is, no matter how hungry you think you are the half cup of coating is going to kick your ass every time.

I could have easily had the small clam box and small onion ring and would have only felt partially humiliated and used. The latter option would have resulted in the loss of twenty four bucks and change without a drink, and that’s just too much to swallow.

I’m not sure what got all the reviewers so jazzed up about this place, but I sure wasn’t seeing it. Could it be they had never had a fried clam before? Maybe they were slightly confused while writing their notes all strung out on fish fry and carbs, too sleepy to write clearly.

Or was it just a pile on of others wanting to say, “oh me too…yeah, I loved this place just like the others did…isn’t it fun to stand in line forever for ok fried seafood?...Oh gosh and it’s soooooo pricey, that's how ya know it's good….weeeeeeee”…. I suspect this was probably the case.

The place is quirky (the building is in the shape of a clam box, or I guess what a clam box used to look like before companies like Sysco started selling disposable paper goods) and it’s quaint, and if you have money to burn and there aren’t more than two or three people standing outside waiting to get in…go ahead and stop there.

Otherwise keep driving until you see a place with a sizeable dining area and a reasonably priced menu and save yourself some time, money and sanity. The downside is you won’t be able to be an uppity little snit of a human being to your friends in a Thurston Howell III voice, “Oh sure…Lovey and I always go to The Clam Box.”

The upside…. You’ll save enough time and money to go home and play with those adorable little Queen Anne ladder backs…if you still want to feel good and pretentious…name them Beau and Buffy.

The Clam Box

246 High Street Ipswich, Massachusetts 01938

 (978) 356-9707

THE CLAM BOX (Review B)

Growing up in New Hampshire and having vacationed on the Maine coast, I think it’s safe to say I’ve had my fair share of clams. I’ve eaten them raw to stuffed and everything in between. My favorite way is sautéed with a bit of white wine, shallots, butter, cream and parsley. A close second, is fried.

So when a friend suggested I go for fried clams and onion rings at a place I hadn't been to, I went for it. I arrived at the restaurant about noon, and expected it to be slow. I arrived to see a line of ten or so people in line. This is the sign of good seafood joint. After some thirty minutes I got to see the menu.

Anytime I step foot into a new seafood shack in New England, the benchmark for all their fried food is set by how they do their clams. Since this place was called The Clam Box (here since 1935) and everyone from The New York Times to USA Today had given this place accolades, the clams should be amazing. The price was a daunting $24.95 for a large clam box and $6.95 for a large onion ring.

I ordered at the counter then waited ten minutes. Noticing how packed it was inside. I picked up my food from the friendly counter staff and proceeded outside. The onion rings were done in a typical fish fry coating. They were crisp and light with no oiliness. They were good but for $6.95 was expecting better. The clams were as good as the place I normally go. Aside from being ever so slightly less coated there was little difference. 

I barely managed to finish my clams. The onion rings, well the onion rings I only ate a third of those. The thing about fried seafood, no matter how hungry you think you are the coating is going to win. I could have easily had the small clam box and small onion ring which would have cost twenty four bucks without a drink, for me that’s just too much.

So if you have to be part of the, “yeah I’ve eaten there too” crowd, and don’t mind paying a lot for good fried seafood The Clam Box is fine. If you don’t mind driving another fifteen minutes across the New Hampshire border to Seabrook, you’ll find reasonable prices with lots of seating and the same seafood.

The Clam Box

246 High Street Ipswich, Massachusetts 01938

(978) 356-9707

WHAT'S IN YOUR DOOR?

My refrigerator is often times a dark and scary place. From the science experiments that started off as delicious leftovers, and somehow migrated to the back and bottom shelves to morph into something from a Sci-Fi movie. As the refrigerator is far too large a space to cover in one of my A.D.D. riddled stories, I’d like to break it down into more easily handled pieces. I think we will start with the door, with its odd collection of things from butter to Maalox.  Let’s explore what’s in mine and then I’ll ask you…”What’s in your Door?!”

The door sure has changed over the years since I first remember it. I’m pretty sure the most exotic thing in the door when I was a kid was maybe some French dressing (yeah, the neon orange kind) or a jar of my mom’s bread n butter pickles. There was of course ketchup, maybe some yellow or brown mustard. I know there was always Miracle Whip and also a Jar of regular Mayo as dad was a mayo man.  There was no butter but rather the “healthier” trans-fat loaded margarine du jour, and the top that used to have the little cups made for eggs was where the egg carton went. This was mainly because of the frequency and the velocity with which my father, brother and I would open the fridge door. It was a safer to keep the eggs in a stable container than leave them outside only to become airborne missiles later, when one of us would open the refrigerator the way a gorilla handles American Tourister luggage. (People younger than 30 here)

The only spicy (meaning more flavor and tang than ketchup) things I can remember in mom’s door would be horseradish and chow chow. I thought chow chow was a French Canadian thing, but I have seen many variations from Maine to Alabama and every place in between.  No matter, they were a frequent contributor to the hot dogs and hamburgers that were torched regularly at my house growing up. I don’t recall anything ever being out of place in the door but once in a while mom would try cooking something new. The new recipe at times would call for something out of the norm, and that partially used container would end up doing a short stint on the door.

I recall one such item being a bottle labeled “cooking wine”… this was of course in the days before people knew to cook with wines they might actually want to drink. I believe I was in my junior or senior year of high school when the drinking age was eighteen and when this bottle appeared. When it hadn’t moved in several months, I figured it was fair game for a teenager with a healthy curiosity for adult beverages. After a few hearty gulps I found that wine was perhaps not my drink of choice and I moved on.

Aside from the odd bottle of cooking wine the only other oddball things to show up for a little door time were ice cream toppings. While I come from a long and distinguished line of maple syrup swilling people, the occasional wrong-headed friend would come for a sleepover. Rather than having a taste for maple syrup on their ice cream the odd friend wanted caramel or butterscotch topping or maybe even Hershey syrup.

My mother wasn’t about to buy Hershey syrup with a perfectly good canister of Nestle Quick in the cupboard, so she relented on either the caramel or butterscotch. My brother and I never ate these things because we had maple syrup for the love of Pete. If we wanted a little change of pace, there was always the little pint canning jars of blueberries my mom had picked the previous summer.

After moving away from home I decided the door didn’t have to be so much of a unitasker. It was perfect for holding batteries where the butter went. I’m not sure where I picked this little bit of battery magic where refrigerated batteries stay fresher longer, but that’s where batteries went. I laugh every now and again when I go to someone’s house and see batteries in the fridge. Everyone should know they go in the junk drawer by now whether old or new…that’s half the fun when you’re trying to get your remote to work when it’s five minutes to the kickoff of the super bowl.

There was always ketchup on the door and probably Tabasco, because both my staples of minute rice and ten for a dollar ramen noodles were the better for it.  I’m sure I remember a bottle or three of Polar tonic water, as the Gin that was kept in the freezer was always in need of company…and the limes that brought vitamin C to the party were always kept where the eggs were meant to be. Because bending to reach the Limes in a crisper drawer after six or seven gin and tonics could result in a face full of week-old spaghetti and spam surprise.

The eggs I kept on one of the bottom shelf for some odd reason, probably because I had taken up the first two shelves with other foods. For example a half-gallon of spoiled milk, week old Chinese food, something in a blue container that frankly I’m scared to open at this point and the ever stackable food of choice…pizza!  

Today my door is much much different than the door of my youth. There are no more batteries in the butter cubby but rather, honest to goodness butter…unsalted of course. I have a bottle of six dollar white wine in there that may very well be vinegar at this point. I suppose just in case somebody drops by craving year old spoiled wine I guess. It’s odd, but I also have balsamic and champagne vinegar in there even though I keep most of my other vinegars in the cupboards.

A jar of, well a jar of embarrassment some people might call pesto sauce, which has been there for maybe two years and has never been opened. I’m sure I bought it as a convenience item as a result of being on the go, but maybe guilt or taste buds brought me to my senses and kept me from using it.  I have a bottle of Maalox that I like to keep cold because the thought of drinking it warm gives me the heebs. The Maalox is not indicative of my cooking but rather my occasional fondness of a meatball sub from a place up the street. The meatballs are great but the sauce is of the Sysco variety that gives me heartburn every time.

Let’s see, oh yes…The Asian contingent nearly has its own shelf with rice wine vinegar, black vinegar, soy sauce, Sriracha, Sambal Oelek and a few other special guests including sesame oil. It shares its space with a couple of store bought BBQ sauces that don’t contain corn syrup. These are Olde Cape Cod and Dinosaur BBQ sensuous slathering who help me when I’m in the mood for BBQ and don’t actually feel like BBQ’ing. I have Dijon mustard even though a good many friends think this to be odd, because they are mustard whores. No I’m kidding they’re not mustard at all.

I think I’ve covered just about all the major items, sure there’s the Cholula or the odd dressing when I’m even too lazy for preparing simple vinaigrette. Pepto Bismol as an emergency backup for the Maalox but tastes like Canada mints when warm, and makes me think of the time I threw them up on a hockey trip to Montreal when I was six. Then there’s…well remember how I told you I’m from a long line of maple syrup swillers? And remember how I said I never understood why someone would want redi-whip in a can, butterscotch or caramel topping? Well I have those on the door as well… apparently they can be used for more than just ice cream!

What’s the weirdest thing in your door? What’s the best thing in your door?

Thanks for reading,

Pav

I had taken Maalox and Pepto out for the shot, but for the interest of full disclosure I talked about them. And yes, there is a jar of crushed garlic....not fresh?! yeah well...baise mon cul!